THINGS THAT CONSTITUTE AN HONORABLE MARRIAGE

By ' Gbenga Fabunmi

 

Introduction
"Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral" (Heb. 13: 4; NIV).

Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge" (Heb. 13: 4; NKJV).

"Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge" (Heb. 13: 4; KJV).

"Let marriage be held in honor by all, and let the marriage bed be kept undefiled; for God will judge fornicator and adulterous" (Heb. 13: 4; NRSV).

"Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous" (Heb. 13: 4 - English Standard Version; ESV).

"Marriage should be honored by everyone. Husband and wife should keep their marriage pure. God will judge guilty those who take part in sexual sins". (Heb. 13: 4 - International Children's Bible - New Century Version - NCV). 

There are three basic points in the various renderings of the book of Hebrews, chapter thirteen and verse four as shown above. We, strongly, believe that the things which constitute an honourable marriage are clearly spelt out by God, through His Holy Spirit, in this passage:

1)    Marriage, as an institution of God, must be well respected by all people (Heb. 13: 4a; see Gen. 2: 18 – 25; cf Mk. 10: 6 – 9). This simply means that whatever race one may belong to; whatever language one may be speaking; whatever religion one may be practicing; whatever social status one might have attained in life; whether one is well-lettered or one is a stack illiterate – the God of heaven and earth has only one law governing the marriage institution (Acts 17: 24 – 26).
The above submission is the truth about the marriage institution but it is not all that can accept it (Mt. 19: 3 – 11). Nevertheless, whether all people have respect for marriage institution or not, God will continue to be true to His own establishment (Rom. 3: 3, 4). 

2)    The marriage bed must be kept pure. It must not be defiled both before and even after marriage. It is an abomination in the sight of God. It is detestable unto Him (Heb. 13: 4b; see Deut. 22: 13 – 20; cf; 2 Sam. 13: 10 – 13). To be defiled is to be made dirty or polluted. When something is polluted, it is no more pure. It is not clean. It is dishonourable! It is obscene! Therefore, one who makes the marriage bed to be impure is asking for the wrath of God (Heb. 13: 4c)
The Corinthians were warned by the Apostle Paul thus: "Neither let us commit fornication, as some of them committed, and fell in one day three and twenty thousand" (1 Cor. 10: 8; KJV). The English Standard Version's (ESV) rendition of the passage is, "We must not indulge in sexual immorality as some of them did, and twenty-three thousand fell in a single day". Whichever rendition we may choose, the crux of the matter is that as the Corinthians were warned  then, so we are today, because "Now these things happened to them as an example, but they were written down for our instruction on whom the end of the ages has come" (1 Cor. 10: 11; ESV).     

3)    Fornicators and adulterers stand condemned before God (Heb. 13: 4c; see Mt. 5: 32; Mk. 10: 11; cf; Rom. 7: 2, 3). It is adulterous for a marriage partner to divorce his/her spouse for any reason(s) other than the sin of fornication. As a matter of fact, the marriage bed is defiled the very moment another man has the carnal knowledge of a woman who is divorced by her husband. This accounts for the reason, why her former husband could not take her again to be his wife because she has been defiled (Deut. 24: 1 – 4; cf; Mal. 2: 14 – 16). 

We sincerely believe that the three things explained above are the real things that constitute an honourable marriage in God's own reckoning. And God, being the originator of this institution, we also believe has the right to tell us how we are to use the institution. Unfortunately, very few people consider these things when they are planning their marriage/wedding.

Going by what is in vogue now; wedding ceremony has been substituted for marriage. Many people now think of how to throw a big party, which will be the talk of the town for a good part of a whole year or even more. They plan their wedding ceremony to attract people from all walks of life, where the register of who-is-who in the society will be marked. They think more on how to ship down, from overseas, their wedding gown, suit, shoes, rings and other artificial make-up (i.e. cosmetics applied to the skin). They think more on the food and drinks, to entertain their invited guests, and even learn new dancing steps.

We wish to humbly submit that people should play down upon these mundane things because they are not the things that constitute an honourable marriage. Note that whether they are present or not, an honourable marriage is conducted once it is in line with the law of God on marriage (1 Cor. 10: 31, 32; Col. 3: 17).

Our emphasis, therefore, should be on chastity before and after marriage in order to have an honourable marriage. Chastity is to be chaste. It means to be a virgin or sexually pure. Whichever of the meanings we may pick, chastity means to keep oneself from being defiled, from being polluted, from being sexually made dirty before entering into marriage and even after marriage.

Sexual intercourse is a good thing. It is a pure thing and it has the approval of God. It is called due benevolence (KJV), or conjugal rights (ESV; 1 Cor. 7: 3). It, however, has its right place in marriage. It is designed by God to take place only between husband and wife and they must not deprive each other of this heavenly stamped act (1 Cor. 7: 3 – 5). Little wonder then why Joseph, the carpenter, wanted to put Virgin Mary away privily because she was found to be pregnant during their courtship days (Mt. 1: 18, 19). "Flee fornication…" says the scriptures (1 Cor. 6: 18 – 20).

In the good olden days, it used to be a thing of shame for a lady to get to the house of her would-be-husband without having her virginity intact. This grievous sin attracted death penalty under the Mosaic dispensation (Deut. 22: 13, 14, 20, 21). Tamar, the half sister of Amnon, one of the sons of David, has this to say concerning this shameful act, "And she answered him, Nay my brother, do not force me, for no such thing ought to be done in Israel: do not thou this folly. And I wither shall I cause my shame to go? And as for thee, thou shall be as one of the fools in Israel…" (2 Sam. 13: 12, 13).

The Yoruba people of the South West of Nigeria place a great value on virginity. Though, death penalty is not prescribed for a girl who has lost her virginity before the night of her marriage, the shame that goes with it is far beyond the girl herself. It is the whole family of the useless bride that will bear the consequence. Empty matches-box, a basket which has lost its bottom through constant use, and some other insignificant gift items are some of the signs that the family of the groom will send to them to register their displeasure for the wayward girl.

On the other hand, a girl who is met intact by her husband has brought invaluable joy, happiness, and honour to her parents. The gift items that would be sent to the bride's family by the groom's people will as well be invaluable. This is to show how highly they esteem the bride's family for keeping their girl's virgin intact.

It is, however, disheartening how boys and girls of nowadays are throwing this priceless and honourable thing to the dogs. Pre-marital sex is no longer considered a big sin. Fornication, to them, is no more sin than mere testing of one's potency! Virginity, the flower of a damsel, is plucked unceremoniously. We hope it will not be too much to say that it is now hard to find one out of every ten girls, who has not been de-flowered. Such a one must even necessarily be an 'old school lapel'. Why should they keep their virginity? After all, Jesus Christ, in his second coming does not need a mother like Virgin Mary. Chastity, to a lot of people, belongs to the stone-age, but now "Oju ti la", (i.e. "we are now civilized!"). Ours is, (no doubt), a perverse generation! (Acts 2: 40).

We have had enough on chastity. Let us look at another thing. There is what people call traditional marriage. This is a marriage conducted in the traditional way, according to the custom and tradition of the people concerned. If a traditional marriage is truly devoid of idolatry but 'the bed of marriage has been defiled', it is not honourable (Heb. 13: 4). Just as we are warned to flee idolatry, we are also warned to flee fornication! (1 Cor. 10: 14; 6: 18)

Another type of marriage is described as "white marriage". This type of marriage is common among the elites and some religious sects. It is so-called because the idea is foreign to us in Africa. The dress code, the language of communication in their marriage worship service and some other aspects of the marriage ceremony are those of the white people. It usually takes place in the meeting hall of some denominations. The bride will dress in white gown, white veil and white hand-gloves. The groom and his men dress in their well cut suit, (three-piece, most of time), and the bridal train, all marching in splendor. The officiating ministers will be speaking in angelic tone while the celebrants with their admirers will be beaming with tooth-paste smiles, as they pose for photographs. All these, truly, may make the day a memorable one but not necessarily an honourable one. Once 'the marriage bed is defiled', no amount of whitish apparels can undo what
has been done (Heb. 13: 4).

One other thing that is considered to make a marriage honourable is going to the Registry to tie the nuptials. This is done to legalize a marriage. Any marriage conducted by the customary court's Registrar is the one recognized by the law court. A certificate is issued to the couple to validate their marriage. Also, a marriage conducted by the court can only be dissolved by the court should the husband and his wife seek divorcement later in future. In spite of the legality brought into the marriage institution by the civil government, once 'the marriage bed of is defiled' before the signing of the so-called 'dotted lines', it is dishonorable! (Heb. 13: 4).

Some people erroneously think that if a preacher is not around to conduct a wedding ceremony, especially, in a church's meeting hall, such a marriage is not honorable. We want to make it abundantly clear that this is found only in the catechisms and creeds of the denominational world. The scriptures say "If any man speak, let him speak as the oracles of God…" (1 Pet. 4: 11). There is nowhere in the Bible where the honor in marriage is attached to the pulpit or the preacher. In fact, preachers in the church of the New Testament, the church of Christ, are not ministers of meat and drink, "For the kingdom of God is not meat and drink; but righteousness and peace, and joy in the Holy Ghost" (Rom. 14: 17). The Apostles of Christ say "…It is not reason (good) that we should leave the word of God, and serve tables. Wherefore, brethren, look ye out among you seven men…, whom we may appoint over this business. But we will give ourselves
continually to prayer, and to the ministry of the word" (Acts 6: 1 – 4). Preachers are ministers of the word and not ministers of tables!

While we will not say it is out of place for a preacher to attend a marriage ceremony (if invited), and/or use the occasion to preach/teach the gospel of Christ (if allowed to do so), it will be out of place to think that it is a must for a preacher to officiate at a wedding ceremony in order to make such a marriage honourable. We also beg to disagree with the Christians, who are clamoring for the use of the church's meeting hall for social activities like burial, marriage, christening of babies and other social engagements. "…What? Have ye no houses to eat and drink? Or despise ye the church of God, and shame them that have not?" (1 Cor. 11: 22).

A Yoruba adage says, "N o ko ile mi bi i ile Adebisi, oluware ko ni ko nnkankan". The literal translation of this is, "I want to build my house like that of Adebisi, such a one may end up not building anything". Chief Adebisi was a legend in the city of Ibadan, the capital city of the old Western Region of Nigeria, in the twentieth century. His house, at Idikan, in the heart of Ibadan city, is there till date for whoever cares to see it. Though, dilapidated and in ruins, the house cost Chief.Adebisi of Idikan a fortune, during his own time and it was the only "awo-si-fila" house, (this literally put will read, "the only house you doff your cap for") then, in the whole of Ibadanland, the largest city in the West of Africa. The Bible, being the book of God, however, teaches us a very good and better lesson than we have in that Yoruba adage. "Mind not high things, but condescend to men of low estate. Be not wise in your own conceits"
(Rom. 12: 16).

Some people, out of sheer arrogance and pride, have turned marriage/wedding ceremony to a form of competition. Right from the printing of the invitation cards to the kind of hall to be used for the event, the type of cars to ride in by the bride and groom, the number of cows to be slaughtered, the 'aso-ebi' (i.e, ceremonial attire) to be dressed in by the families and invited guests, the current band-stand to employ etc., all these will be planned and executed in a way that it will beat the last one they witnessed. Alas, none of the aforementioned things is among the things that constitute an honourable marriage. And what's more? Yoruba would say, "Ko nii ye eniyan titi, ki'le ma su u", meaning, "No matter how highly honoured one may feel in a day, that day will definitely come to an imminent end".

If we all agree with this submission, to be the truth and nothing but the truth, why do we continue to care and trouble ourselves about many things? Let us think more on one thing which is needful and choose that good part which shall not be taken away from us (Mk. 10: 38 – 42). Take note of this one thing, if the whole world is in attendance at a societal wedding (ceremony) but 'the marriage bed is defiled' already, it is not honourable. Whereas, if a marriage is conducted in a parlor, where the number of the people present, to grace the occasion, can be counted on the finger-tips, once it is in accordance with the will of God, it is honourable (Heb. 13: 4). The point we are trying to make here is that each should plan his/her marriage/wedding ceremony according to the will of God and cut the coat according to the size of the available sewing material. The scriptures is sounding the warning repeatedly, "Mind not high things, but condescend to
men of low estate" (Rom. 12: 16). This in simple English means, "Do not set your mind on high things, but associate with the humble. Do not be wise in your own estimation". The people invited are there to witness the holy matrimony, so as not to give room to insinuation from any quarters, should the marriage be conducted in secrecy.

One last thing we need to touch is the deception which man has brought into the marriage institution. Marriage is designed by God for men and women that are whole. These are men and women who are able and are capable of copulation. Marriage is not for eunuchs and hermaphrodites. A eunuch is a man who is impotent either by birth or through castration, while a hermaphrodite is a creature with male and female sexual organs. A woman, whose sexual organ has no opening, is known as an 'Akiriboto' in Yoruba language. There is no sin in being a eunuch, especially, if a man is born so from the womb of his mother (Mt. 19: 12), but people talk of 'putting a round peg in a round whole'. This, though, is a figure of speech, but it is true of the union between a man and his wife. The vessel possessed by a man is that round peg, while the round whole, here, represents the sexual organ possessed by a woman (1 Thess. 4: 3 – 5).

We like to suggest, here, that once the vessel possessed by a man (i.e. sexual organ) cannot penetrate the vessel possessed by a woman, marriage has not taken place. It is at the point of exercising the conjugal rights (due benevolence) that a man and woman are joined together by God (Gen. 2: 24, 25). This is reiterated in the New Testament by the Lord Jesus Christ in Matthew chapter nineteen and verses five and six, "…For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: And they twain shall be one flesh…What therefore God hath joined together, let no man put asunder". The conclusion of the matter is that, if either of the two, who are living together as husband and wife, is found out to be incompetent in the aspect of sexual intercourse, they are yet to be joined together by God, in marriage. "Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband…" (1 Cor. 7: 3 –
5). So a marriage based on deception cannot be said to be honourable. 

Conclusion:
The Christians are warned against extravagant spending and ostentatious life. Neither should we conform to this world (Rom. 12: 2). Let 'modesty' be our watchword in all that we engage in, especially, in our marriage ceremony, since we know that the honour in marriage is not in extravagance or ostentation.
If we, truly, acknowledge the fact that we are strangers and pilgrims in this wretched world, we should abstain from fleshly lusts, which war against the soul of man (1 Pet. 2: 11, 12).
Finally, if our intention is to impress people, then we won't be able to do the will of God (Gal. 1:10).

This paper was delivered @ The church of Christ, Kube, on Sunday, July 28th, 2013, Total Garden area, Ibadan.
©Gbenga Fabunmi is a preacher of the word. He is working with the church @ Koloko, Olopo – Meta, off Ibadan/Lagos Expressway, Ibadan. For further enquiries, he can be contacted on his mobile phone numbers: (234)805 – 604 – 8210 & (234)703 -380 - 6368 or his     E-mail address: gbengafabunmi@yahoo.com, (P.O. Box 12003, Ibadan, Oyo State, Nigeria).